Feeling Better Already

Today is my second day of following the Paul McKenna system. I listened to the hypnosis session before work this morning and have managed to stick to the 'rules' so far. Eating slowly is a real eye-opener to how much I must usually over eat, and how ridiculously fast I can make a meal disappear (only for it to reappear on my arse days later).

For breakfast I had one round of wholemeal toast with Pure and Marmite. I ate this so slowly that by the time I'd got through two thirds of it I was starting to feel satisfied and stopped. By 11:30am my tummy was starting to rumble so I s-l-o-w-l-y ate an oatcake, and then another one at 12:30am when my tummy was rumbling again.

I nipped off to M&S at lunchtime to stock up on lunches for the week. I got my favourite Rice, Lentil & Aubergine Salad, the Super Wholefood Salad and a couple of soups - Butternut Squash and Greens. There were some very tasty sounding soups in there but it was really hard to find ones that were vegan as they'd wedged cow milk into everything. I got back to work and left about a quarter of the Super Wholefood Salad. Usually I can wolf this down in five minutes so this was quite a revelation for me. I was hungry again by 4:45pm, and as I had to go into town straight after work I had another oatcake.

For dinner I had one of my Red Thai Curries that I'd frozen as leftovers a while ago and some Straight-to-Wok noodles, simply because they're fast and I was hungry. Once more I took over half an hour eating this and found I was satisfied two-thirds of the way through. This is another meal I usually wolf down in seconds as it's one of my favourites. The best thing about this system so far is that I haven't had a stomach ache for two days. Usually my poor digestive system is struggling under a barrage of constant bulk and fat, or moaning at the fact that it's starving.

So the verdict today is so far, so good. I think I am really going to need to constantly reinforce the rules in my mind each and every day, but hopefully this is where the hypnosis kicks in and helps to make it easier. I think I am going to stick to listening to it in the mornings before work as my boyfriend keeps laughing at me and elbowing me when I'm trying to disappear into a trance last thing at night.

Well, here's to another day of eating consciously tomorrow...

...And Start Again

Morning weight: 9st 7lbs 12oz (133lbs 12oz)

Gain: 3lb 

Total loss: 4oz


Ugh! Well, that was a pretty unsuccessful week. It started with the "Reel Deal" at the Cornerhouse on Monday when we went to see "Enter the Void". The film was good - very original and visually stunning, but definitely made by a man. I have never seen so many different genitals in such a short space of time. The film was also 2hrs 40mins long, so by the time it had finished we were starving. We went back to the bar to get our deal which was a pizza and a beer or wine, plus our tickets for £12. Stupidly I got a pint of beer and some wine, and we also got a portion of chips between us. I completely demolished the pizza, and the plate was spotless by the time I was through. I left the restaurant feeling stupidly full and slightly too tipsy for a Monday night.


I think this Monday "binge" set the tone for the rest of the week, and by Friday I was indulging in a massive curry as we had friends round and I was too lazy to cook. I easily devoured massive portions of Aubergine Bhajee, Pilau Rice, Garlic Chapati and Poppadoms. I also drank a bottle of wine which left my stomach in turmoil for the whole weekend. I had to take several naps during Saturday and Sunday as my organs were in so much pain. I didn't make it to the gym as I was feeling so ropey, so all in all it was a complete disaster. The whole week left me feeling really depressed and disappointed at my complete lack of willpower, and slightly disgusted by what I'd managed to consume.


I started thinking about why I always seem to sabotage myself whenever I've had a bit of success with a diet, and I think the answer lies in the word "diet". I'm sure I must subconsciously be thinking of all the feelings typically associated with diets - deprivation, hunger, being "good", and it gets to a point where I want to do the complete opposite, and when I do, I do it in style.


On Sunday evening I was rooting through a cupboard and came across the Paul McKenna book, "I Can Make You Thin". I'd only really flicked through it before, but I thought as everything else was failing I might as well give it a try. I read half of it last night and it seemed to make a lot of sense. It involves giving up the concept of a "diet" forever, and instead following four main elements:

1. Eat when you're hungry.
2. Eat only what you want, never what you think you 'should'.
3. Eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful.
4. Stop when you even think you're full.

The book also has a hypnosis CD which I'm meant to listen to at least once a day for two weeks. I am also not allowed to weigh myself for two weeks which will be a hard habit to break as I usually do this at least once a day. I'm going to try and put the principles into practice and will update over the next couple of weeks with how I'm finding it. I'm actually really looking forward to my fortnightly weigh-in on the 25th October and really hoping that I will actually reconnect with how my body feels, rather than relying on how many calories a computer tells me I should be taking in.


My sister and her boyfriend are visiting next weekend for her birthday, and as a fellow vegan we usually indulge in a lot of our favourite foods whenever we get together. I'm looking forward to putting the elements into practice whilst out for her birthday dinner, and during our usual nachos and guacamole session. The testimonials in the book are all very encouraging, so I just hope I can trust in the system and that it will work for me...

A Quick One Before Bed

Morning weight: 9st 4lbs 12oz (130lbs 12oz)

Loss: 1lb

Total loss: 3lbs 4oz

So pleased with another pound coming off! I stayed well within my calories today...

...a whole 3 remaining - I may just go nuts and have a black coffee with no sugar.


I'd actually learned from yesterday's calorie overspend in the morning (at long last!), and instead today had one piece of toast with Pure spread and Marmite for breakfast with a coffee and sugar. For lunch I had one piece of toast with half an avocado, and was actually quite satisfied until 4:45pm when my tummy started rumbling and it was time to start cooking dinner. I made a delicious Red Thai Curry using Tesco's own brand Red Thai Paste (which is one of the few that are vegan, and doesn't have any fish juice in it), some Amoy Coconut Milk (I wanted the 'light' version but the stupid, city-centre supermarkets are very limited on choice), and a selection of random vegetables that were in the fridge. I made enough for three meals and was so excited about eating it I forgot to take a photograph, so instead here's a rather unappetising photo of the two leftover meals before they went in the freezer...

..they look pretty grim from this angle, but trust me they were delicious. It only took 25 minutes to cook, and came in at a not-too-shabby 354 calories (not including the brown rice). 


I had enough calories left over for a glass of Alpro Light and Strawberry Nesquik, which was surprisingly dessert like in it's creaminess, and the other half of the avocado from earlier. I ate it with a teaspoon in its skin with a little sprinkling of salt and my boyfriend was equal parts impressed, and slightly disgusted by the fact it had its own 'bowl'.


Better get off to bed now as I'm clocking back in at the fun factory super early tomorrow so I can leave in time to catch "Enter the Void" at The Cornerhouse. I'm really looking forward to a nice pizza as we're booked in for the "Reel Deal" offer - mmm mmm. I just hope the film doesn't give me too much motion sickness to enjoy it.

Wine-Oh

Morning weight: 9st 5lbs 12oz (131lbs 12oz)

Loss: 1lb

Weekly bum measurement: 39.5"

I'm pretty pleased to announce a 1lb loss today. Usually the weekend is when my incredible weight gaining superpowers kick in and I can literally eat and drink 7lbs worth of bum fat in two days. I then spend the remaining week trying to lose the 7lbs and generally remain in a state of limbo between "chubby" and "a bit chubbier".

Friday didn't go too badly food-wise after all. I had my usual porridge, peanut butter and sugar for breakfast, then a Marks and Spenser "Super Wholefood" salad for lunch...

This is so delicious - the mixture of edamame beans and seeds is really tasty and gives the salad a decent amount of protein (which I always find helps keep me fuller for longer).

After work my friend picked us up and took us straight back to her house where we kicked off the evening with two glasses of white wine, and this is where the calorific trouble began. I had another glass at the pub before the meal, two more glasses with the meal and three at the pub afterwards. Worryingly I didn't even feel very tipsy after all this and woke up this morning with practically no hangover, just a teeny headache. I'm getting a bit worried about my tolerance to alcohol and what state my organs must be in. It's quite disturbing that 8 glasses slipped down so easily, and with such little effect. I'm also gutted that I wasted 928 precious calories on liquid.

As far as my meal went, I think I made some very good, sensible choices. I had olives for my starter (instead of the usual doughy feast that is garlic and tomato bread), and a Greek pizza with no cheese for my main. Luckily, dessert wasn't even an option as everything originated from the cow boob.

When I worked it all out this morning I was 654 calories over my goal. Not as terrible as it must have been all those times in the past, before I was counting the calories of meals out, but it could have been a lot better if I'd had less alcohol and chosen a lighter option like a spirit with diet coke.

Today I had my usual breakfast, then a really chemical flavoured "Moroccan Cous Cous" salad from Tesco's finest range (grim - I wouldn't eat it again). For dinner it was pasta in tomato and olive sauce with a chopped up Linda McCartney sausage, and some fried aubergine on the side. I'm so easily pleased by comforting, salty, stodgy food!

 

Again, due to lack of planning, I ended up eating more calories than I would have liked at lunchtime, and this means I am typing this at 10:46pm - 80 calories over my goal and with a very rumbly tummy - whoops. I think from now on I'm going to eat a lower calorie lunch so I have more calories left over for the evening when I tend to feel most hungry. I plan on whipping up some vegetable soups in the week, so hopefully the mixture of lots of veg and water should keep me satisfied for longer. Anyway, here's my Livestrong page for today...

Not as shameful as yesterday's alcohol tragedy, but still could do a lot better. I do feel that writing about my experiences each day is definitely helping me realise my weaknesses, and when I've tried to lose weight before it is so easy to keep making the same mistakes as I simply didn't take the time to think about how every action was affecting me. Hopefully I'll start to actually act on these things I've learnt, and soon the evidence will show on the scales (and bum).

Whoops-a-daisy

Morning weight: 9st 6lbs 12oz (132lbs 12oz) 

Loss: 1lb 4oz

I am overjoyed that on my second post I can say I've lost 1lb 4oz. Sticking to my recommended calories for the first day was hard, and my stomach was rumbling as I got in to bed last night, but seeing a teeny-weeny loss has made it a lot easier to cope with and has spurred me on. 

Today has been a lot tougher. I haven't felt hungry at all, but due to a complete lack of planning and an argument with Northern Cock Rock I found myself with some delectable bottles of Tuborg to cheer myself up with...

...which has resulted in me being a HUGE 322 calories over my goal intake of 1226.

The day started off quite well. I had porridge with peanut butter and sugar for breakfast, followed by a coffee with soya milk and sugar at work which kept me satisfied until midday. At lunch I went with some work people to a bar nearby where they have super-cheap pitta, houmous and olives. We had pre-ordered the food, so it was all laid out, buffet-style, when we arrived. I find situations like this really difficult as I am terrible at judging portion sizes. It seems that everyone around me has that magical sensor inside that tells them they're full, but I think years of dieting, measuring out portion sizes and not trusting my own instinct and judgement has completely killed my little hungry/full gauge. If there is food in front of me I will eat it. I decided to take one pitta bread and a couple of teaspoons of houmous, and ate about twenty green and black olives. Trying to fill this in on my Livestrong page was a nightmare as I had to guess at everything, but my rough estimates meant the meal worked out at 377.5 calories. Good job I had a diet coke instead of a glass of wine.

I haven't mentioned yet, but I'm vegan, and being vegan in Manchester is a lot more of a pain in the arse than being vegan in nice, liberal places like Brighton or New York. I mention this as it has a lot to do with my day to day anger and frustration at Manchester's lack of choice for vegans, and therefore an impact on my desire for treats in the form of sugar and booze. So to continue the story of my day, after work I went to Marks and Spensers to get some make up as they are one of the few companies that don't test on animals. I needed some really mattifying face powder as the £17 rip-off "Razor Sharp" powder I got conned into buying at Urban Decay does NOTHING to help my freakishly oily T-zone (if only I could return every bit of crap, overpriced make-up I've ever bought - my refund riches would mean I need never argue with Northern Rock again...). I got to the make up counter in M&S and it was a complete shambles. They only had a quarter of the products available on the website, everything was covered in ecoli-riddled finger muck, and, as Manchester is the tanning capital of the UK, there was nothing to suit my minutes-from-death, ghostly complexion. I was fuming by this point, but then the real poopy cherry on the turdy cake was a call to say there was a mix up with a cheque that should have cashed, and we were going to get a late payment charge on our mortgage. I decided to give up on the make-up, just get my groceries and go home. Unfortunately as Manchester is also the proud capital of unrecognisable meat products and peculiarly named baked goods (barm anyone?), Co-Op proffered very little as far as vegan pickings go. Eventually I went for some ready-made tomato and olive pasta sauce, some giant luxury penne and some Linda McCartney sausages to chop up and mix in. When I spied the beers on special offer on the way out I just had to put them in my basket.

I didn't bother adding up my Livestrong calories until I'd consumed my angry meal and angry beers, and it was then that it struck me how much I must have been overeating and drinking over the past few months as I'd just assumed these items would be well within my calorie budget. 

So the things I have learned today are as follows...

1. Have a vague idea of what I plan to eat each day.
2. Have food in my house ready to make meals with so I don't have to buy ingredients on impulse each day and end up with beer in my basket.
3. Enter my meals into the Livestrong website before eating mounds of pasta and guzzling said beer.
4. Don't let emotions, worry and anger be a trigger for eating bad foods. In the long run it's not a treat - rather a burden that will mean me limiting my calories and spending extra time in the gym

I will try and take all of that into account for the future. I'm dreading stepping on the scales tomorrow morning as I know I've probably put that pound back on, and maybe some more. I have already purchased my lunch for tomorrow so I know what I will be eating. The real test will be Friday evening as we're going to a preview at a gallery which will inevitably mean free drinks. After that we're going for a meal with my friends and one of their dads, and then on to the pub. I will try and have a look at the menu before we go so I can prepare myself to make a sensible choice. I also need to research the calories of various drinks as I'm sure that's what gets me into the most trouble every weekend. I just need to keep remembering the end goal and how comfortable and confident I felt at that weight. Remembering all this after my first glass of wine will be the real test...

Mission Eliminate Fat Arse

At the age of 21 I weighed 8½ stone (119 lbs). I felt great at this weight. Clothes fitted me properly, I had loads of energy, and for the first time in my life I felt comfortable in my own skin. At 5'5" and having never weighed over 9½ stone (133 lbs) I have always been in the correct weight range as far as my BMI is concerned, but have always felt a little bit chubby.

I think there are a few reasons for feeling "fat" when I'm technically in the "normal" weight category. The first reason is that the majority of my family are overweight with the a few exceptions including my sister and one aunt who's not a blood relative. Strangely enough the aunt is worryingly underweight and is constantly fracturing bones, which begs the question, what is wrong with my family and their attitudes to food?. I have always been very conscious of my family's tendency to obsess about food, talk about food emotionally, and pile on the pounds with gusto. I have worried that weight gain might be genetic and inevitable. The second reason, for as far back as I can remember, most of the females in my family have been on a diet. The thought of "being fat = being bad" has been pummeled into my consciousness from birth.

Of course now as an adult I know that this is all rubbish. The BMI index is a very unreliable measure for ideal weight and health, for example a top athlete with a lot of muscle mass and low body fat percentage could fall into the "obese" category on the scale, simply because muscle weighs more than fat. I also know that many technically "overweight" people can be healthy, attractive, and most importantly full of self confidence.

I am purely starting this blog because I don't feel comfortable or healthy at my current weight. I recently turned 30 and am the heaviest I have ever been at 9st 8lbs (134 lbs). A lot of my clothes are starting to feel tight, everything wobbles and I have no energy whatsoever. I could happily come in from work at 5pm each day and go straight to sleep (which is often exactly what myself and my boyfriend do). I started thinking back to when I felt at my best weight, and it was during the summer holidays of 2001 when I was 21 and I weighed (a seemingly magical and impossible) 8½ stone.

Having been on various diets since the age of 14 (which I'm sure I'll write about in the future) I decided to start this blog as a way of being accountable to myself. I feel an online diary that is out there in the ether will keep me in check more than simply writing my weight on a piece of paper that I can easily destroy when I've eaten too many cupcakes. I've signed up with Livestrong http://www.livestrong.com/ and have used their Calorie Calculator to work out now many calories I should be taking in each day. I'm 5'5", currently weigh 134lbs and would classify myself as having an activity level of "Lightly Active". In order to lose 1.5 lbs per week I should be taking in 1226 calories per day.

So with 15lbs to lose, that means I could potentially reach my goal in ten weeks: the 8th of December. If manage to do this it will be the first winter in my life where the digits on my scales are actually decreasing - I may tear a hole in the space/time continuum.

I will also be using a beautiful dress that my boyfriend got me last Christmas as a measure of my (fingers crossed) success.

The dress was from Coast and is a size 8, and so far I have only been able to wear it comfortably ONCE in May this year. At the time I had managed to get down to 9 stone 3 lbs (129 lbs) and we were living in  a building with a gym where I was able to do a lot of running. My biggest area is my bum and the tops of my thighs, and at the moment the dress is so tight in this area that when I walk along the entire thing rises up til my knickers are showing. I don't think any one's ready for that look.

So, here is my first weigh in and Livestrong screen grab:

 

September 29th 2010: 9st 8lbs

I'm very pleased I've stayed within my calorie goal for today (despite my boyfriend's attempts to lure me away from the angelic path with strawberry Nesquik and soya milk). As for exercise, I did get as far as the changing room door at the gym, but there was a big notice taped on it saying the showers are out of order til Friday (and I cannot do a workout without the prospect of a shower at the end of it) so I just walked straight back out again. I sweat A LOT to the extent that I worry I have early onset menopause and that my face looks like a buoy - I am THAT sweaty. I see other girls in the gym with glowing faces and bouncy ponytails and just wonder how they do it? The thought of putting my work clothes back onto my "glistening" stinky body, with every fibre sticking to my aching limbs, my beetroot face poking out of my parka and my fringe plastered to my forehead with it's own "gel" frankly filled me with disgust, so old Mr Gymypoos will have to wait until Saturday (I can't go to the gym on a Friday - it's the most sacred and magical day of the week). I haven't thought of a good workout strategy yet so I guess I can spend the next couple of gym-free days researching that. So that's my first post over and done with - let's hope tomorrow's is as angelic (it's take away Friday I really have to worry about...)